Thesis statement: My story is all about a tour to Mombasa which tries to expose the small city that is in located in the coast of Kenya. In narrating the visit we see: factors that enhanced my visit to the town, the location of the city of Mombasa, the choice of accommodation in the place, and the kind of reception and transport means in the town.
Following the stories I have heard from my friends about Mombasa town I became eager and yearned to pay a person visit as well. This therefore prompted me to save for a long period so that I could at least spend my summer in the town and experience what it feels like being there. I had actually longed for this moment to come.
The town is located in the coastal part of the country. This makes it easily located and accessed. Being an island it is surrounded by other islands like the Zanzibar and Lamu. The town’s main means of transport are small vehicle “tuktuk” that varies tourists from one area to another.
The housing is designed in accordance to the climatic condition of the island. The area is so hot and humid and therefore need to build houses that are best suit to this. It is too hot that someone even forced to walk half naked. There is suburb that negatively affects the skin making it develop tan.
The town is a historical site. There are many historical sites in the town which includes Shimo la Tewa that served as prison during the colonial period. There is also an aquarium that is a centre for enjoyment and where different types of fish are found such as dolphin. Other than that the sand beaches like Mpunguti and Kisite serve as recreational area.
The people are so welcoming. They give a good reception and are hospitable as well. It eases persons from tension and brings about serenity and a feeling of love staying there. Summer is best spent here for every moment is enjoyable and calm. Touring this place is like honey that one cannot just taste once but rather long to revisit.
Conclusion
Generally, Mombasa is a good tour place during summer.
Transition word: It is a place full of historical sites that serve as a commemoration to the nation. The citizens are welcoming and hospitable as well. The area is so exotic in nature and one cannot get bored paying a visit there.
In this passage there is no coherence. There is need to use conjunctions like however, on the other hand to show the negativity of the climatic conditions in the town.
The addition of conjunctions and being more vivid could have brought about coherence in the essay. Words like secondly, furthermore would have been used to tell us more of what the tourist experienced in the town.
The area of housing should have more explanation. What actually is the kind of housing that carps for the adverse weather conditions in the town? Also the area of the historical sites and the purpose they serve in the town. The economic aspect of the town and how it is affected by the tourists need to have more details.
List of Instructions for improvement
The type of research material to use should be specified.
The need for feedback should be given and state the format to apply.
Need to explain the Aim of that research.
On the side of the peers
The area of conjunctions
The need to apply for chronology of events and the use of a simple comprehension language.
Purpose: Use this example assignment to explore important elements that make this an exemplary submission. Hover over the information symbol ( ) or select the numbers within the text to read about what the student has done well in this assignment.
(1) Game Day
Ashford University
EXAMPLE
Game Day 2
(2) Game Day
(3) [It was 6:30 AM my freshman year of High School. As I laid bed, the sun just
beginning to seep through the closed blinds, I realized the day I had been waiting for all summer
was here. Game day was here. I was the quarterback for my freshman football team and the
butterflies in my stomach felt like a pack of monarch butterflies that can only be found in remote
areas near the Amazon.]
Like a young child on Christmas morning, I hardly needed my alarm clock that began to
chirp. As I rolled over to turn off the alarm, I heard a familiar knock on the door. Most days, this
knock was the first thing I heard in the morning. Not today. Not on game day.
“Son?” the voice said, “are you awake yet?”
“Yes, dad, I am, just getting up” I replied.
“Ok” he said. “I’m getting ready to head out for work and won’t see you before kickoff. Get
dressed and come see me, I have something for you.”
“Ok!” I replied with excitement. “I’ll be right there!”
(4) [That morning must have set the record for any high school kid getting dressed for school. At
my high school, it was tradition to wear jerseys on game day. I can still remember the fresh smell
of a brand new football jersey, free of the impeding grass stains, blood, sweat and tears that
would fill the jersey at season’s end. My jersey was neatly folded on top of my favorite pair of
jeans, socks, underwear and shoes. I quickly dressed and hurried to the kitchen to catch my dad
before he left for the day.]
“Good morning son, how are you feeling? Get any sleep last night” he said while smiling.
“Yeah, I had a good night’s rest” I lied. He knew I was lying too, but no big deal.
“I have something for you” he said. He pulled out small bag and handed it too me.
Game Day 3
0As I opened the small bag with anticipation, I pulled out its content. It was small, white, Nike
towel with Velcro designed to hang from my football belt. Stitched above the Nike symbol was
the number 12. It was the number he wore as a high school quarterback and the number I had
chose to carry on the family tradition. (5) [I will never always remember what he said as I
hugged him and thanked him for the towel.]
(6) [“Son” he said, “I know your nervous. Today is a big day and something you have worked
extremely hard for. A lot of people will go through life and never get to feel the feeling you have
in your stomach right now. Those feelings you have are good; it means you are ready. If you
weren’t nervous, you wouldn’t care. No matter how the game goes tonight, remember that I’ll
always love you and support you. Nothing can happen in this game that would make me feel
otherwise. Do the best you can, have fun and compete as hard as you can. If you do that, I can
promise you good things will happen!”]
At that moment, those monarch butterflies flew away and the sense of relief I felt like the
weight of 1000 pianos had been lifted off my shoulders.
“Thanks, Dad.” I said. “Thanks for the towel, I can’t wait to wear it, I wish we could play now!”
“Sounds great, son. I’ll see you tonight, go get em’!” he said.
As my older brother drove us to school that day, I felt like a king. It’s amazing how a person can
go from feeling incredible nervousness and channel those emotions into confidence and
readiness. My dad knew what I was feeling and how to fix it. (7) [I’m sure he had that towel for
weeks and was dying to give it to me, but he understood the nerves on game day are like none
other. I’m glad he waited; his timing, love and support were the greatest feeling I’ve ever
known.]
Game Day 4
Comments (color and number coded):
1. Since this is a rough draft, you will not have to worry too much about APA. However, you will need to have a properly formatted APA title page when you turn in your final draft. Return
2. The student met the minimum word count, made an attempt at a thesis, and wrote a coherent and comprehensible draft. As a result, the student received a good grade on this assignment. Return
3. Here the student introduces the topic for his personal essay and establishes the importance of his topic. Return
The topic is “game day” and the significance behind this personal narrative is that he is the quarterback for his freshman football team and they are playing their first game of the season.
In your own personal narrative, you must have an engaging introduction paragraph that interests the reader and states your thesis.
4. The student builds upon his thesis by showing the excitement and importance of game day and how awake and energetic he is. This rising action allows readers to follow the plot line and creates a sort of tension that makes us want to continue reading. Return
5. Here the student accidentally wrote “never” instead of “always”. Proofreading is important, and is something that your instructor and the Ashford Writing Center will help you with! As with any rough draft, it is perfectly ok to have spelling and grammar errors. At this stage in the writing process, we want you to focus on getting your thoughts out on paper in the most organized way you can. It is after you receive feedback on your rough draft that you will go back and edit and revise your work. You can also visit the Ashford Writing Center for more help and tips on proofreading. Return
6. As with any personal narrative, it is important to include any poignant dialogue. This brings the essay to life and also emphasizes important elements that support the thesis. Return
7. This is a great reminder of the significance of the towel that his father gave him. The student relates the importance of the towel and how it made him feel on his important game day.
However, one thing that the student needs to clarify in his thesis is that game day was not only
Game Day 5 significant because of the emotional weight it carried, but because it was the day his father gave him something very meaningful.
Moving forward with the rough draft:
As this student revises his essay, he will need to strengthen his thesis to incorporate the importance of his father’s gift and it’s relation to game day. He will also have to edit and revise for clarity and organization. Return